When you come into the world and something or one is trying to kill you, you develop energy from within that is also ready to kill to protect yourself.  I spend everyday trying to talk myself out of this response, by presenting to myself as much beauty of life and the kindness of life that I can.  I have to stay healthy because it is a constant of forces pulling against each other and I'm in the middle.  Sometimes I feel like my inner fists have unclenched and I start to enjoy people and the world. 

The sad news is it is not long before someone reminds me I have to get back to getting ready to kill.  No one should suffer my fall out, I know how powerful this energy is and how horrific it can be in keeping me safe.  I have even developed abilities to see the signs in people that if I stay around or don't warn them, they would make the mistake of making my life uncomfortable and maybe harm me.  This makes controlling the energy even harder because it wants to act upon the instinct that you MIGHT do something.

I have been punished for my great and ferocious ability to protect myself and no one is willing to understand the root of my reactions, so I took and take it upon myself to eat and live in a way that makes me very healthy which in turn gives me the strength to control and calm my over protective energy.  I am happy to say I have got myself to the stage where I can recognise the signs that the energy might take over me and hurt someone and i have managed my brain health to the degree that I can convince myself to walk away.  I have also offered myself the option of being evasive instead of attacking as another option for self preservation.  That means mentally I am smart enough to know when to take myself away from people that trigger me and if trapped into a physical altercation, I have the option to use great movement that aides me in avoiding blows from an attacker.  I have managed this by becoming greater at evasive fighting than attacking.  What helped my fear energy to accept evasiveness as a martial art?  MY CHILDREN.  It's simple, my children allow my fear to switch off and my whole body thrives on the calm space.  My children then became the means to my peace and health, which my fear energy wants for me as well.

So I presented the option, learn to be evasive, prove it is functional and use this tool instead of the killer ones.  That way we can stay with the children that give us the peaceful place.  I will never forget the days I convinced my dangerous energy to agree to the option that does not kill someone.  I worked really hard on making sure the new skill would not let us down, i was and am disciplined.  I stay healthy on a world class level and I keep conditioning my life skill so its always primed.  My children saved my life.  My only problem now is the kill energy has warned me "I'll do this and fall back when its a threat to you but if anyone comes to hurt the children i take over !!!".

To this day I am in discussions with the kill energy to ascertain, AT WHAT POINT WHEN THE CHILDREN ARE HURT BY SOMEONE IS IT RIGHT TO TAKE OVER.

I need your prayers because the kill energy is telling me that if an adult spits at them or strikes them they FUCKING GET TORN APART.  Haha what an inner life.

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