Another night awake, thinking about the day or night I will die.  This always happens when I am happy.  I always think just when I feel content I'll lose it all.  To never see my children again makes me sad and to think how they will be when I am no longer there hurts my heart.  I know their hearts well.  It is clear I am a happy part of their world. 

This feeling of eminent doom when I am happy is from my childhood.  Innocently trying to enjoy a life that should fascinate me, then rage enters the room pissed off for some unknown reason. I'll be beaten until the rage has run out of energy then I quietly go back to drawing or playing with a toy, with new lumps on my head and face and the taste of my own blood in my mouth as I listen to my mothers deep breaths disappear back to her living room to light a cigarette and watch the TV.

It always seemed to happen just when I was thinking it has been peaceful for a while and I have not had to heal from injuries that hurt so much that they would wake me out of my sleep.

The echoes of those young days haunt me today and rob my sleep.  Tomorrow I will fast again and try my best to create an environment within me that will make it hard for the cells that carry those terrible days, within them to survive.  They are not healthy cells.  One day they will lose the energy to survive the desert I recreate when I fast I do this for the child i was and the man he became. 

We deserve peace and I will not give up on us.  There is a happy future me waiting to be realised.  I will never give up on the cultivation of my future body and soul, all of me deserves the right to be happy and so do my children.  No drugs no medication just dedication to be the full emotionally present father my dear children and myself deserve.

With love I will kill the memories that rob the best of me.  I do this for my children and loved ones and the world.

Two things are for sure ....I can live with struggle....and I never quit.  If there is a great's on...till it's done .....because it's reasonable .......OSU

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